


Where Babies Come From

by M_Moonshade



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, spoilers for season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 05:24:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1066263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_Moonshade/pseuds/M_Moonshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the Blood Gulch Chronicles, Church promised Caboose he'd sit and read a book with him about where babies come from. This is how he keeps that promise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Babies Come From

Admittedly, Church hadn’t been thinking too hard when he made the promise. It wasn’t even much of a promise—just a ‘we should do that sometime’—but now that Caboose had the idea in his head, he couldn’t drop it.

He’d expected the typical Caboose fare: a rousing chorus of “Church! Church! Church!” as constant and nerve-grating as a bad alarm clock.  Instead he was… well, subtle, as much as Caboose really could be. While Church went on his rounds, he would wander in aimless circles just at the edge of his field of vision. Occasionally he would sidle close to a conversation:

“So… Church? Are you busy right now? Because I was wondering if you had any free time so we could talk. That would be nice.”

He even tried twiddling his goddamned thumbs, though he somehow ended up spraining one of them in the process (a blessing, really, because that meant an end to his constant narration of “twiddle, twiddle, twiddle”. There were only so many times Tucker could comment on it before even he thought it was old.)

So when Church finally gave in, it felt less like breaking under the pressure and more like settling in.

“Hey Caboose.” He waved at the rookie on the way to his bunk. “Come over here. Let’s talk.”

“Really?” Caboose practically started bouncing. “Ooh! What are we going to talk about? Wait.” Abruptly his tone grew suspicious. “Are you breaking up with me? Can best friends do that? You’re leaving me for Tucker, aren’t you?”

Church sighed. “No, Caboose. It’s just a talk.”

“Yay!” He resumed his bouncing until they turned a corner. “Oh. Um. I’ll wait here.” He folded his hands and gave a weak one-handed twiddle.

“Hm?” Before them lay the door to Church’s bunk—its surface covered with painted variations on the theme of Caboose: Keep Out. Some of those variations involved booby traps—and because Tex had made them, he was sure they actually worked. “Oh. That.”

The battery meter on his helmet blinked at him. He only had an hour or two left before the armor ran out of juice, and he had a suspicion it would take a lot longer than that to get through this meeting. Besides, he’d been planning on recharging while they talked. Might as well do something productive during all of this.

“It’s okay, Caboose, you can come in.” He started on disabling the traps. “But only this once.”

“It’ll be like a slumber party!” Caboose squealed. “I’ve always wanted to have one. Crescent Roll says they’re so much fun.”

“You mean—you know what? Never mind.” Church was starting to regret this already. The last of the low-impact explosives went into sleep mode, and he swung open the door. “Come on in.”

Might as well get this over with.

Officially the bunk was a large storage closet, without the same climate controls that the standard bunks came equipped with. It had sufficient cables to charge his body, and a steel shelf that was sturdy enough for him to lay down on. It wasn’t exactly plushy, but then, neither were the cots he’d slept on when he was alive, and they couldn’t hold his weight anymore. Not that comfort was really an issue these days.  

He’d told Tucker that he needed a private bunk to get away from Caboose—which was true—but honestly, he couldn’t stand hanging out in their bunk anymore. It was one of the few places in the damned canyon with breathable atmosphere, and people took advantage of that to take off their armor and breathe easy for a while, get something to eat, take a nap.

Church couldn’t do that anymore. Any of that. And he wasn’t a pansy about it or anything, but he could do without the constant reminders.

“Go ahead and sit down,” he said, picking through a trunk of his possessions. There wasn’t much. In the deepest corner there lay a picture book—a gag gift from Tucker, back when Captain Flowers used to make them celebrate birthdays and holidays.  

On the first page was a note.

_Church—_

_In case you don’t die a virgin, this might come in handy._

_(Don’t worry, you can’t get your hand pregnant!)_

_—Tucker_

“Stay classy, Tucker,” he muttered under his breath. “All right, Caboose. Scoot over.”

After plugging himself into the charger, he sat beside his rookie on the steel bed.

“ _Where Do Babies Come From?_ by Ruth Hummel.” He plucked up the first page between his first page between his fingers and turned it. The dexterity of this body never ceased to amaze him.  

He read slowly, clearly, letting each word sink into Caboose’s tiny little brain before he moved on. The rookie seemed enthralled, giving his commentary while Church turned the pages. A remarkable amount of it could be summed up as “that’s gross,” but he seemed so thrilled to be sitting here listening to it all.

And Church wouldn’t admit it under gunpoint, but it was… kind of nice. Familiar, in a way. Though that was impossible. He’d never had any younger siblings, and he sure as hell had never had any kids.

Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d done this before.

“Hey Church?” Caboose asked as the last page ended.

“Yeah?”

“Since Tex is your girlfriend, did you two have sex?”

Oh jeez. Getting into dangerous territory here. “Yes, Caboose. Though don’t bring that up to Tex if you don’t want her to hurt you.”

“Oh. Okay.” For a second Church thought the conversation was over. No such luck. “Church? Did you and Tex have any babies?”

* * *

 

_Anxiously he tapped the steering wheel. Allison had told him she wanted to see the doctor alone. He’d pretended to be fine with it—he’d joked they’d need something stronger than an ultrasound to see through someone as tough as her— but he was twitchy even before he’d dropped her off. Now all he could do was sit. And wait. In this goddamned hospital parking lot, while the doctors took a look at his—at Allison’s baby._

_He wasn’t sure if she’d even let him near it—him? her?—after everything was said and done. But he would be there for her, if she’d let him. He could be there for them both (what if it turned out to be twins? Triplets?). He could be a good father. He knew it._

_The phone rang, and hastily he dragged it to his ear._

_“Allison?”_

_“We’re all finished here. Can you pick me up?”_

_“Sure thing. I’ll head over in just a sec.”_

_He drove in circles around a lamp post for five minutes, just so he wouldn’t look as twitchy as he felt. He hadn’t been sitting right outside waiting for her. Nosirree. Couldn’t find a cooler, more collected guy this side of Andromeda._

_The steering wheel was slick from sweat when he finally pulled up alongside the hospital’s entrance._

_“So,” he said as Allison climbed in. “How’d it go?”_

_“Fine. Have fun doing those donuts?”_

_Dammit. He searched his mind for something witty and nonchalant._

_“It’s a girl, by the way.”_

_It hit him like an uppercut._

_“A girl?”_

_“Yep.”_

_“And she’s—”_

_“Looking healthy so far. The doctor says she’s got a strong heart.”_

_A laugh burst out of him before he could stop himself. He wasn’t entirely sure he could form words anymore._

_“Do you need a moment, or are you safe to drive?” Her tone was full of snark, but on her lips lay a smile as wide as the Texas sky._

* * *

 

“Church?”

The memory popped like a soap bubble, the pieces dissolving into scraps and shadow.

“Did you, Church?” Caboose asked. “You didn’t answer the question.”

“Huh?” He shook his head. Recharging wasn’t the same as sleep, but sometimes it felt close enough. “No. No, Tex and I never had any kids. She wasn’t really the type, you know?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I think I would have remembered that.” 


End file.
